Parenting in the Modern World: Why the Mental Load Feels Heavier Than Ever
Let’s be real—being a parent has always been tough. But these days? It’s next-level stressful. It’s so intense that the U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, recently highlighted just how much pressure parents are under today.
Here’s the tea: According to the American Psychological Association (APA), 41% of parents with kids under 18 feel so stressed they can’t function on most days. Let that sink in. Meanwhile, almost half (48%) say their stress is downright overwhelming. That’s double the numbers compared to adults without kids in the same age group.
So, what’s causing this overload, and how can parents deal with it?
At Project Healthy Minds’ World Mental Health Day Festival, Parents’ Editor-in-Chief Grace Bastidas joined Paige Bellenbaum (Founding Director of The Motherhood Center of New York) and licensed therapist Kier Gaines to break it all down. The panel, moderated by Rachel Berman from Verywell Mind and Parents, got real about the mental load and how to handle it.
What Is the Mental Load?
In simple terms, the mental load is the constant mental juggling parents do to keep the household running smoothly. Think: scheduling appointments, planning meals, keeping up with the kids’ needs, paying bills, doing laundry—the list is endless.
Paige Bellenbaum puts it best: “The mental load is the invisible labor—the stuff we do that no one sees. It’s constantly thinking about what’s happening now, tomorrow, next month, and even next year.”
And it’s exhausting. If left unchecked, it can lead to stress, anxiety, burnout, and even physical health problems. It also messes with relationships—both at home and work.
While the term “mental load” is trending now, it’s not new. Even the first Parents magazine back in 1926 talked about how overwhelming parenting can be. Fast forward to today, and the pressures have only multiplied: skyrocketing childcare costs, social media drama, school safety fears, and, oh yeah, a global pandemic that threw everyone’s lives upside down.
Why Is the Mental Load Uneven?
Moms Carry More Weight
Research shows moms in heterosexual relationships take on the bulk of the mental load. One study found moms handle 73% of cognitive household tasks (the planning and organizing) and 64% of the physical ones.
This imbalance hits moms hard, often leading to higher rates of depression, stress, and relationship problems.
Cultural Stigma Adds Pressure
Cultural expectations play a big role too. For example, Grace Bastidas points out that in the Latine community, talking about your struggles was traditionally seen as airing your dirty laundry—a big no-no. Thankfully, that’s changing, and younger generations are embracing mental health care more openly.
Dads Feel It Too
While moms usually get the spotlight when talking about the mental load, dads aren’t immune. Kier Gaines explains that societal expectations often box dads into narrow roles. Many men feel judged or awkward seeking mental health support, thanks to outdated ideas about masculinity.
So, What Can Parents Do?
1. Ditch Unrealistic Expectations
Parents often feel like they need to be everything—teacher, entertainer, chef, chauffeur—you name it. Social media doesn’t help, constantly feeding us highlight reels of “perfect” families.
But as Gaines says, “If you see it on a screen, it’s probably not 100% true.” He recommends filtering what you consume online and focusing on what works for your family.
2. Find Your People
Nobody should go through parenting alone. Building a strong support system—friends, family, or other parents—makes all the difference.
“Being seen, heard, and understood is so powerful,” says Bellenbaum. She emphasizes that finding a community can make parenting struggles feel a little less heavy.
For dads, having a circle of fellow fathers can be game-changing. “If you’re a husband and father, you need other husbands and fathers,” says Gaines.
And if you’re co-parenting, talk to your partner about splitting responsibilities more evenly.
3. Be a “Good Enough” Parent
Forget perfection. British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott’s concept of the “good enough mother” is all about showing your kids that it’s OK to make mistakes.
“When we fail our kids in manageable ways, we prepare them for the real world,” says Bellenbaum. Life isn’t perfect, and neither are you—and that’s okay.
4. Prioritize Self-Care
Yes, self-care is a buzzword, but it’s essential. Bastidas suggests finding your non-negotiables—activities that recharge you—and making them part of your routine.
“Write it on the family calendar and stick to it,” she says. It could be as simple as a yoga class, a solo coffee break, or just resting.
And don’t be afraid to “lean out” when needed. “Step away and let go of the need for everything to be done your way,” says Bellenbaum.
Final Thoughts
Parenting will always come with challenges, but you don’t have to carry the mental load alone—or perfectly. Push back against unrealistic standards, lean on your community, and show yourself the same compassion you’d give a friend.
Remember, you’re not just a parent—you’re a person, too.
